Summer fun

Time for some blogging to pass the time...

 been a while now that i have been trying to occupy myself over the summer. I am missing uni and feel a little as if i have lost my purpose in life.

I dont like to complain, and I know I'm very fortunate to have such a loong summer break with nothing too pressing to do..... But when you've spent the last few years recovering from an illness with no occupation at all, and finally started to get back into the swing of life, its not so exciting to have time off. I've already had a long time off and would be happier keeping the momentum going.

Anyone who has suddenly found themselves unemployed will understand that at first it is kind if cool to be able to lay about all day and do what you please....but after a week or two things start to drag a bit and you find yourself wondering how to fill your time, and how best to avoid Jeremy Kyle.

Luckily the weather has been pretty glorious, and compared to the years i spent laying about in my jimjams, feeding my cats and being a recluse, it is nice to now be doing exciting things, getting outside, meeting people, and finding more interesting ways to make the most if life, (even if I am secretly nerdily waiting until i can return to my studies.)

So far into the holidays i have done some amazing things, such as:

adventures on the train, often missing my stop and ending up in new places

Reunited with old friends and had a good old catchup

Bought a new toothbrush

Gone for lots of aimless walks

Drunk a lot of coffee

Drunk a fair bit of wine

Written a few chapters of my next bestselling novel

Ripped up the Bible and made a picture out if it

Lots of doodling

Donated to charity

Babysat flo for hollie

Learnt some circus tricks

Stroked a dog

Walked a dog

Cut shapes out of leather and stuck them together into animals

Chatted to Neddy

Been to a local gig

Socialised and actually enjoyed it

Been to a bbq

Swam in the sea

Tuned and strummed my guitar

Learnt a new song on my keyboard

Some not so fun things:

Cleaned and hoovered and tidied up

Organised my stash of obsessive paper collecting into colour coordinated order

Opened my post that had been building up for a while

Had the compulsion to rearrange my furniture, a few times

Gotten stuck between the sofa, the bed and the wall

Dropped the sofa on my toe

Threw away some old socks

Faced my fear of picking up the phone, and even made some important calls

Had some training in 'being more assertive'

Twiddled my thumbs

Stared at the sky

Cheeped to the birds

Admired a bumble bee

Stared at a wall

Caught up on sleep

Stared at another wall

Hidden under my duvet

Been forced to go on a 'skills for work' training day, with the threat of loosing my income if i didnt. ... Though  it actually turned out to be ok (there was free flapjack)

Applied for few jobs and freaked out upon recieving a reply

Had a little panic

Hidden in bed a bit more

Gotten a bit bored and lonely and anxious ....and wanted someone to snap me out if it....

And then i met a real boy.... Well, a fine young man. And i talked to him?

And we shared a few things and i told him about the catlady and the craziness, and he said, is ok. I like you.

And we have been hanging out, and I'm so much happier when I'm with him.

And something very strange has happened to me, because in all my years i have never particularly  liked boys. But this one is really lovely. 

and he said, i fancy you.

And i said, i fancy you too.

And since ive met him, i have done cen note fub things. and its so much more fun not doin them on my own...have paddled in the river, ooohed and ahhhed at some 

Fireworks,

spent some pennies in the arcade, walked along the beach of an evening instead of tucking up in bed on my own, eaten some yummy food, which he cooked for me, gone to the cinema, had a little picnic, danced to my ipod.... . And i havnt felt lonely at all.

I have been quite happy to just be myself, and smiled a lot.

A lot of ridiculous smiling and giggly girliness, which has taken me by surprise a little bit. I seem to be acting a bit odd. 

he makes me laugh, and he holds my hand so im not so nervous in public :)

Now the summer holidays are fun and exciting :) 

Its sooooooooooooo gooood to be able to do all these things that i never thought i would.

And he likes my art.

And my writing, 

And he writes toooo,

And i could talk a lot about him but im not sure if i should

i have wanted to just be left alone for such a long time, and now its lovely to know that i actually am a human being, which are supposed to be social  creatures....and i dont want to be in my own anymore.

I am enjoying life and it is so much better to be out the other side of lonely catladydom and into the realm of living. 

And i have to go now because i just got a call, which i answered, excitedly, from a certain young man, who will be joining me, in 5 mins or so , which means i know longer meed to pass the time with blogging... Because im going to hang out with him, in my pjs. 

He isnt a cat and he doesnt steal my paintbrushes :)

Eeeeeeeeeeeek. 

Celebrate!

It's Neddy's birthday :)

Only joking! it's Megan's birthday. 

Meg has candy floss.

I'm actually not sure when Ned's birthday is.. He just likes to steal the limelight.

He stole this mini champagne, and is a little bit tiddled. He's such a hoot after a few drinks.

Just go steady little teddy,

And always drink responsibly. 

Love you x

Play

Layering up textures and materials and colours and shapes

1.

2.

3.

4.

Lots of little changes make for one big change.

Old tree

Here is the beginning of an old project that I started a few years ago when I was into destructing things and pulled off the back of my wardrobe and stuck on lots of text and images i had been ripping up for a while and storing in a box, and it looks like i have scribbled some 

nonsense on it with a black marker pen at some point, There is some black tissue half stuck to it too.

It has been sitting behind my kitchen door by the bin, staring at the wall for quite some time, looking untidy and gathering dust. Usually, having looked at it again, I would assume this is rubbish, that is why it's there. normally wouldnt hesitate to rip up or paint right over this embarrassment.

Well for 'these things change things' I decided to look at it for a mo and not be so critical of myself. Why do we always do that?

If I properly look at it, instead of just seeing a pile of crap... Hmmm what can I see. It is a tree. Not a very nice one. don't really remember what it was supposed to be about, or why I did it. There are lots of different faces, a clown, images of starving people, crying people and famine and words coming from the branches such as 'take action'. At the top of the tree is the word 'idea' partly covered by all the ideas overlapping. Down the trunk, lots of eyes, the words 'what about us' there are images of people protesting. At the root of the tree 'bridges not walls' , 'journaling on an empty stomach' and 'what you said'... There is a quote about a mosquito , some scribbled diagrams and the words listen up.

It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I know I was trying to say something, or thinking something, and it had a point. I thought if I finish it I might know the point of it.?

Have decided to add to it. I'm actually going to actually finish it.

For too long I have started things and not finished them. When is something finished?

K so i is gonna get in with that.

"If you think you're too small to make a difference, you haven't been to bed with a mosquito in your room"

Good effort

Today I was very helpful, I made 25 watermelons, 5 bigger melons and 10 poodles out of leather. I did cutting and sticking. My first day of going to work in a few years.. Not bad. ! I like this kind of work, much better than scummerfields or the chip shop . Back on Saturday. I am such a good boy :-)

Being Useful

Enough moaning, got me bloody pills and feeling much better. I am on the train as we speak, heading to boscombe where I have a little bit of work experience in a shop, Love from hetty and dave... Lots of really lovely cute crafty handmade stuff. Check out Zoe's website www.lovefromhettyanddave.co.uk

 I think I'm going to be assisting in the making of some giant fabric slugs or something, not sure...Check me out going to work! Excited, woooohoo :-)

Drugs

On the topic of things that change things.... I am reluctant to say that taking my meds proper makes a huge difference. 

I like to think I don't need them, i dont want them, but,  have realised yet again that not taking my meds as prescribed makes me feel SO ILL!!!! When will I learn??!!

I don't plan ahead very well and tend To run out on a Friday and am ok for a day then start to go wonky brains and spend the weekend all of a jitter. 

can't order any over weekend, so call Monday and get them tues, always have to go back 2 or 3 times before they actually have them...by which point I can't get my words out or sign the form very well , they must think I'm a total nutter. feels like I waste half my life waiting around at the pharmacy...

When i run out of meds, I optimistically think... well i feel pretty good so maybe dont need them anymore...then after a day or so get all dizzy and shaky and disorientated and feel sick, cant sleep at night, thoughts crazy..and then a few days later consider that this might be withdrawals. ... Maybe this would pass once they out my system and I would be fine?

I am on a much lower dose now, after cutting down myself which I do not recommend without the advice of a doctor, cos even that sent me a bit funny. Just 2 different pills, antidepressant and antipsyhotic ..and fine mood wise can manage anxiety can think pretty straight and getting to grips with life... How do I know when I I don't need them anymore? Because I'm not depressed and I'm not psyhotic. Is that cos of my pills or cos I'm normal again?

today, 3 days no meds, have been laying on my bed with a scarf around my head because the light is hurting myeyes and i feel like im gonna chunder when i move.  body aches it feels like my head is going to explode, like a hot electric thing keeps buzzing in my brains and getting bigger. Then i dizzied into asleep, woke up and panicked because i thought i had gone blind, i am all confused :-(

must start setting reminders on my phone so i dont do this to myself every few weeks. not sure if i subconsciously do it on purpose, like self sabotage, or just because i forget, or i always think it will be ok this time. 

I dont like how a couple of tiny little pills can so drastically change my ability to function! And theyre only supposd to effect my mood and thinking, how do they effect my whole body? Stupid. 

I know i feel better when i just take them. I just dont like taking them!!!!